Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

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How I like my women.

February 24, 2006

Since all the ladies out there have been crawling to my doorstep lately, begging to get crunk with the captain (that is, me, Captain Crunk), I figured I’d list some of the things I look for in a broad.

  • I like my women like my peanut butter…light brown and chunky.
  • I like my women like my chairs…with four legs and a comfortable frame to sit on.
  • I also like my women like my peanut butter in another way…in a jar in the pantry.
  • I like my women like my shoes…damp and smelly.
  • I like my women like my evelvators…able to effortlessly carry me from floor to floor.
  • I like my women like my restaurants…always ready and willing to serve me food.
  • I like my women like my Slinky’s…springy and fun to watch roll down the stairs.
  • I like my women like my groceries…packed together in a plastic bag.
  • I like my women like my computers…full of silicone and doing my work for me.
  • I like my women like my French fries…deep fried and cheesy.
  • I like my women like my pretzels…twisted and covered in chocolate.
  • I like my women like my leather…tough, black, and produced by a cow.
  • I like my women like my Jell-O…cold, green, and jiggly.
  • I like my women like my belts…wrapped around my waist holding my pants up.
  • I like my women like my ants…stepped on.
  • I like my women like my sunflower seeds…roasted and salty.
  • I like my women like my alcoholics…passed out on the couch.
  • I like my women like my apples…dangling from a tree.
  • I like my women like my Buddhists….oh wait, no one likes Buddhists.
  • I like my women like with pizza….with a six-pack.
  • I like my women like my ovens….hot and always in the kitchen.

So, any of you bitches think you fit the description? Let me know if you do because you’re probably just full of shit, like all other women.
Hey, I’m not picky.

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Note to self number three

February 15, 2006

Hi once again,

Macbeth and Shakespeare suck so I’m going to write myself another note. English sucks. So does everything else for that matter. You know why? Who cares why? It just does and that’s all that matters. Nothing matters. Nothing I do today will have any kind of impact on any aspect of the rest of my life- which hopefully won’t take too long because I’m filled with negative feelings and thoughts and, more importantly, I’m getting bored with it all. Oh well. At least I’m not from the Middle East. JIHAD!!!!
If I actually were from the Middle East though, I’d be a crunk-ass gangsta/terrorist and they’d call me “Profit the Prophet.”

I wish I was a turtle ‘cuz then I’d have a shell and I could hide in it and tell people to piss off and get off my shit. Or when it’s snowy outside I’ll hop into my shell and go sled riding. But then I’d probably get hit by a car and my shell would break. Cars are heavy and move fast. I hate cars. It’d probably be a woman that ran me over because women can never drive without killing something. Then I’d use my super powers to change into a nail and flatten that bitches tire. I would laugh so hard. In fact, if I were human and not a robot I’d probably cry tears of laughter because it’d be hella-funny.

The Chizz is right- I am a cerebral assassin. I’m able to get into peoples’ heads even when I’m not trying to. It’s a shame really. Sometimes I feel bad about being able to control people if I want to. It’s good to be able to see through people’s bullshit though. That’ll come in handy some day when some deceitful ho tries to use me for something. Dumb bitch. No wonder I’ll always be single- there aren’t any girls who can get past my bullshit-radar. Oh well. At least I’m not pregnant.

Being pregnant would suck. Nine months from now a fetus would come crawling out of my vagina. Ouchies. Oh man, I was in the butt-loving drive-thru last night at work and some ho came through. She ordered some crap but her damn kids were being loud-mouthed brats. So I told her I couldn’t hear her in such a tone that she turned around and shut her kids up. I was so proud. Little shits. I should have spit on them when they came by.

I’m getting more and more tired and thus I’m getting my second wave of energy.

I’m done.

Miserably yours,
-Derek

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I wrote myself another note today. Yay!

February 7, 2006

Hello again Derek,

I’m glad I don’t have arthritis or writing these stupid, pointless notes to myself would suck. I’m such a lazy-ass and work is going to suck tonight. I still feel shitty. Just like shit probably feels shitty. I’m having a hard time paying attention, even though I want to because I know I have to. Who cares? NO ONE just like always.

I can’t wait until college. I’m going to be on Girls Gone Wild showing off my ta-ta’s and yelling “wooooo!” while I’m on spring break in some remote Latin American party place. I’ll be going on blind dates on MTV in hopes of finding a one night stand. Or one that lasts ’til spring break is over. Then I’ll return home to a life of solitude because there’s no one for me because I’m no one’s kind. Then when I get out of college I’ll live on the side of a mountain in a log cabin with a dog or two. Then I’ll wake up every morning to see my failure and I’ll grow a big-ass beard, just out of spite. Then I’ll hide out in the woods until boy/girl scouts come to spend the night “roughing it” in their bastardly little tents. Once they’re all asleep I’ll use my ugliness and scare them all away so that I can eat their marshmallows and cookies all for myself. Unless the cookies have coconut in them, in which case I’ll promptly vomit and shout obscenities. Then eventually I’ll die and there will be no one left to feed my dogs so they’ll eat me and get sick from it. Then they’ll die too and I’ll cry in the afterlife. Wow, my future sounds pretty shitty. Good thing there are no such things as psychics huh? ROFLMAO!!!!

I hate when people claim to have knowledge of the future. Which brings me to astrology: fuck it. Making predictions is one thing; using your bullshit mystical propaganda to give people false ideas about their destiny is another. That’s what horoscopes and tarot cards and the like do. There is no future until you get there and the present is past.

Unicorns are fake too. But that’s okay ‘cuz only kids believe in unicorns and they don’t count.

“One for the thumb!” is the slogan I keep hearing about the Steelers’ fifth Super Bowl win. For those of you who are not sure, the slogan means that the Steelers now have a fifth Super Bowl ring and, thus, have one to put on their thumb. I think the slogan should apply differently. It should stand for the one Super Bowl ring to go on the thumbs of the referees- since they had their heads up their asses the entire game. Oh well, I’m still black.

I hate writing myself notes. It hurts my hand after a while, so I’m done.

Still sadly yours,
-Derek

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A letter to myself.

February 6, 2006

Dear Derek,

Yo, what’s ^ brotha? N2M here. Did u watch the Super Bowl? I did n I’m perty pissed. The Super Bowl was Super Bullshit. You know who should have gotten Super Bowl XL’s MVP award? The referees! I’ve never seen such piss-poor officiating in all my life. Fuck the Steelers and all who love them. OMG…

But other than that, how wuz ur weekend? Mine sucked LOL!!! I hate working in the drive-thru @ work cuz of all the ungrateful assholes that I have to put up with. If I’m going to be sick as a dog while taking their orders in a nice, friendly manner, they should at least have the decency to look at me while I’m giving them change and telling them to have a good day. They’re lucky I’m not allwed to be as nice to them as they are to me. I’d be kicking some ass.

We played football in the crappy weather on Saturday. And, like, LOL I’m soooooo sore! What’s worse yet iz dat we lost. I was soooooo sad –> 😦 Speaking of which, why am I writing you a note? And y am I saying dumb shit like “LOL” and “OMG” n stuff? This isn’t the internet. Maybe it’s just me b/c I like reading notes and I’m lonely and tired. Maybe not. Maybe it’s cuz Scientology really is the correct religion and Xenu the space alien is planting all of this into my mind. Maybe I’m projecting a conversation with some voice in my head because I have an unexplained, deep-rooted fear of being hollow. Nah, LOL!!! That’s sily. It’s prolly becuz da chicken did come before da egg. I can’t imagine life without opposable thumbs. Turning a doorknob would suck. LOL!!!
I have a song stuck in mah head rite now LOL!!! Itz called “Tearjerker” by Korn. Oh, and “Open Up” by Korn is stuck in mah head 2 HA-HA! I should be paying attention to calculus rite now instead uv writing mahself a note. I feel like shit.

I need to put gas in my car =(

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Make yourself useful to society.

January 22, 2006

And give me something to write about.
Yes I’m taking requests from you people about a topic for another blog entry. If you have any ideas, leave a comment to this entry with them in it. If they don’t suck, then good job, you’ve made a contribution that will last a lifetime.
If they do suck, so do you.

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No wonder American education is going down the shitter (part two)

January 17, 2006

Well, let’s see. Yesterday I left off after example number two- second period, so I think I’ll continue from there.

For example #3
Third period for me is English. Oh boy, oh boy. For the past couple months our teacher has been out due to the adoption of a child. Fine. Not my business. Today she got back (and don’t get me wrong, she’s one of the teachers I kind of enjoy) and proceeded to tell us stories of adoption, her time away, etc., etc. Eventually she got to the part where she told us that occassionally she’ll quit grading papers part way through so that the person whose paper is being graded can pass. What the…? A perfect example of the all-too common attitude (heh, look there’s “tit” again– attitude haha) of “I don’t give a damn” that teachers possess today. But since I like this teacher, I’ll quit right there.

For example #4
Gym. Ahem, excuse me, physical education. No teacher better represents not giving a shit than our phys. ed. teacher. Countless times we’ve spent class sitting up against a wall with the option to participate. Not that it mattered if we did or not. Hell I might as well have just shoved a cactus up my ass for all the more it matters in that class. Aside from my last period of the day (which I’ll get to later), this is the only class in which the teacher tries to prevent cheating on tests (yes, that’s right, we have tests in gym). Not that anyone should have to cheat anyway- any asshole can get a passing grade on every single one of these fricking tests. After our tennis unit, questions like: What color is the tennis ball? or after the unit in which we RAN day after day: This unit was a ______ unit. (the answer is “running” by the way, for any of you Hillary Clintons out there with your heads too far up your ass to know). Regardless, I more often than not enjoy this class. It’s not so bad when phys. ed. is nearly carefree since it’s not a “major” class (like English, math, science, etc.). Who cares?

For example #5
Next up I have probability and statistics. There isn’t much to say here because I don’t feel like it.

For example #6
Study hall. Every damn day assholes run rampant for the sole purpose of pissing me off. It’s uncanny how much they succeed in doing so. Morons. I hate them. Not everyone, but those who irritate me. Launch them into the center of the sun, I say. Or make them go to Africa and have a giant orgy that way they’ll not only have sex with Africans, but they’ll get AIDS in the process. Hot damn.

For examplel #7
Uh-oh, better be careful here. Touchy-touchy little subject. Writing about this got me kicked out of school for four days (which was unconstitutional by the way). So I’ll do what I always do when I piss someone off: do it again. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: this woman discriminates. Certain people (as always, I won’t mention names) get away with so much shit in that class it makes me sick. “Selective disciplining,” as I like to call it, is just like Naziism. That’s right, just like the Nazis did back in the old days. I hate it. That kind of shit makes me, as a student, never ever want to give blood to the Red Cross again. God forbid I give any of these fools my blood.

I’m done. To hell with this, I’m tired.

Do me a favor: comment.
More comments = more updates.

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. day you KKK-loving nigger-bashers.
If the rest of my family was black like me, we’d kick your asses for being racist.
What does that have to do with anything I previously said? Hell if I know.

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No wonder American education is going down the shitter (part one)

January 16, 2006

As I sat in school today knowing that I had to make an update to this damn blog of mine, I pondered what I should write about. Then it hit me: the teachers who are planting the seeds of, and cultivating the “future of America.” And the more I think about it (haha…”about it” kind of sounds like “about tit” haha…), the more I understand why the U.S. is getting dumber: teachers suck these days. Really, they just don’t care anymore. And hell, if teachers don’t give two shits about doing their damn job, what the hell does it matter to a kid if he/she gets an education? It doesn’t, really.

For example…
First period today (government): our teacher left the room at least three or four times without so much as leaving a hint as to where the hell she was going that was so much more important than teaching us. Sure, one time she said “I’ll be right back,” but that’s it. And sure, she had a video of a presidential debate on for us to watch, but with no teacher to bother with, who the hell cares? We might as well have just shoved our heads up our asses because there was nothing to learn from any of it, unfortunately. Then the teacher checked off our vocab homework, which I didn’t know was due today. So I’m getting half credit because it’s going to be late when I hand it in. Okay, now I know this sounds just CRAZY but last week we spent almost entirely in a computer lab, which is no big deal until we observe the fact that there is a big-ass divider in the middle of the room separating it into two halves. Half one: teacher and some students. Half two: students, including myself and another person who didn’t get his vocabulary done because he too was unaware that it was due. As a teacher, wouldn’t it be…oh, say, fair to the students on half two if you were to get up off your ass and go to the half two and make announcements about when homework is due, rather than just sit at one of the computers the entire time and try to talk through a divider? I for one, don’t have any special superpowers (except being so tough that I eat nails and shit razor blades, with the occasional pissing of battery acid) that allow me to hear sounds through large objects without some kind of interference. So you know what, government? Piss off. But don’t feel bad, it’s not just you…

For example #2…
The very next class period, I walk in to my desk to see it all covered in pencil. Maybe it was drawn on or something. Whatever. So I go up to our (substitute) teacher and ask if I can go to the restroom to get a wet paper towel to clean the desk with. His response: “I don’t care. Do what you want.” Allow me to note that this is the same teacher that once made a comment “No shit,” in the middle of that same class. Two people came into class late today, both of which had passes and hence, were excused from any kind of being-late-to-class punishment. That’s just fine and dandy to me, because, frankly, where they are is none of my damn business. So they showed the teacher their passes. “Here, (teachers name here), I have my pass signed.” To which he replies, “I don’t care.” This may be a rather small/light example, but that’s how damn near every teacher is.

It’s not at all surprising to me why kids in school are all such dickfaced assholes: teachers don’t care. Who gives a flying shit what the peckerhead does as long as it doesn’t affect me? Fuck you and your family! If it were your kid acting like a dipshit and he/she was ignored for it, how would you feel? Your kid would be turning into a fuck-up because of a lack of care and/or discipline. You’re the same damn way. I could go on about this but I’m running out of time, so I’ll be back with a part two, possibly tomorrow or something. Until then, who cares?

p.s.
Mifflin County School District won’t be doing a thing about anything I post on here. It’s all off-campus and thus out of their control. Disagree MCSD? Fine, try me and I’ll let you have a little talk about the first amendment with my friends at the ACLU. Have a grand day.

Useless….