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A day in the life of an emo kid.

December 23, 2005

Emo bastards…they’re just like hippies. Well, they’re not like hippies, but they rate just as high on the suck-my-ass scale. Emo makes me sick. Typing the word “emo” makes me sick for that matter.

Yesterday when I was at home poking myself in the eyes with a Sharpie, I decided I’d see what it’s like to be emo. Once I finally got all the eyeliner on, along with the shitty-local-band shirt that I made up and tight “girl pants,” I walked outside. Then I realized it was cold so I went back inside to put on my black “hoodie” with various patches held on it by safety pins. After I got back outside, I saw a squirrel. Normally if I saw a squirrel outside I’d eat it, but seeing another hideous emo kid must have scared the little bastard off because it ran like hell when it saw me. That pissed me off so I went up in the woods and cut myself. Then I cried some and my eyeliner partially ran down my face, making me even more emo-ugly than before. Once I caught a glimpse of myself in my mirror that I carried with me (so that I could check every now and then to see if I still looked emo or not), and cut myself some more. Then I went back inside and got my portable cd player and some shitty music to listen to. After listening to some music filled with shitty metaphors and lyrics that make no sense, I got on the internet to talk to my friends about how tight my girl pants were. Like, OMIGOD it was so funny! I told my friend that I had a pink and black belt on along with my pants and he was like “LOL! woah man thats like, emo-overboard! LOL!” and then I was like, “STFU you fag! You just don’t understand me…no one does 😥 ” then he was all “I’m sorry man…let’s go listen to Fall Out Boy and act gay in public.”

And that’s just what we did. We went to K-Mart and hung out in what we like to call the “emo department”- the little kids’ dressing rooms. It was so rad cuz I saw my emo cousin there. She was all telling me how depressed and hopeless she felt because she didn’t have a boyfriend and her skateboard broke. I could totally feel her pain. So we went in the bathroom and cut ourselves. It was so rad ‘cuz then we wrote stuff on the walls. My cousin told me she wrote lyrics to a My Chemical Romance song, and I was like OMIGOD that is so emo! After we got done at K-Mart, we parted ways and went home.

As soon as I walked in the door my mom was all, “What do you think you’re doing? You’re being way too emo today, mister. I think you need to go to your room.” Then I was like, “Mom, you just don’t know me! Why do you have to judge who I am? You were never around when I needed you to stitch together my broken, empty heart.” Then she gave me some shit about how I’m only a teenager in high school and losing my pair of Etnies shoes isn’t worth crying over. What a dumbass. Everyone knows that true love begins in high school. It’s not like I’ll have the rest of my life to meet new people to begin relationships with. *scoff* Man, people just don’t understand us emo kids.

Later that evening I got hungry so I made myself an emo salad. So I called my best friend up and I was like,” Hey dude, this salad is so RAD! You should totally come try some.” Then he was all like “Oh totally man, I can totally relate to it’s rad-ness. I’ll skateboard right on over and try some of that emo salad right now.” And that’s what he did. And it was even better when he put some special, as he called it, “emo sauce dressing” on it. It tasted just like semen!

After he tossed and tasted my emo salad, he went home for the night and I got ready for bed.
I was tired as hell and my friends acted not very rad on MySpace and left me not-so-emo messages on my LiveJournal. But whatever…I just went to my bedroom and took some pills and cut myself. Then I took depressed-looking pictures of myself with my digital camera so that everyone on the internet could see them and see how hard my life is. Anyone with readily-available internet access and a digital camera obviously has a depression-laden life. Once I saw how depressed I was, I did what all emo kids do: slit my wrists and killed myself. Life was much happier without me.

Fuck emo.

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3 comments

  1. Ohhhh, Derek.

    You took the words right out of my mouth. Seriously, I was considering posting a MySpace bulletin or a blog on this shit. Ughh, it pisses me off to no end to see stupid ass girls with their emo pictures of how sad their lives are with a caption of ‘Watch me slit my wrists and die.’ or some shit. Eww. Blah.

    Thanks for making me think about it again.

    Good blog.


  2. I loved it, Derek. I loved it so much that I made one of these blogs just so I could post a freaking comment. LOL since you took away anonymous comments.


  3. Well done wilmen, your new web log is just as good if nyot better than your old “blog” as it were. I give this Emaricle 8 and 1/2 stars out of 9. I do things of the scale of one to nine. Any good luck, oh and if you get this in time there is a picture of me in a dress on this website http://www.xanga.com/krazymandt chekk it out, bitch

    Sinning Sincerly,
    DT



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