Archive for December, 2005

h1

A day in the life of an emo kid.

December 23, 2005

Emo bastards…they’re just like hippies. Well, they’re not like hippies, but they rate just as high on the suck-my-ass scale. Emo makes me sick. Typing the word “emo” makes me sick for that matter.

Yesterday when I was at home poking myself in the eyes with a Sharpie, I decided I’d see what it’s like to be emo. Once I finally got all the eyeliner on, along with the shitty-local-band shirt that I made up and tight “girl pants,” I walked outside. Then I realized it was cold so I went back inside to put on my black “hoodie” with various patches held on it by safety pins. After I got back outside, I saw a squirrel. Normally if I saw a squirrel outside I’d eat it, but seeing another hideous emo kid must have scared the little bastard off because it ran like hell when it saw me. That pissed me off so I went up in the woods and cut myself. Then I cried some and my eyeliner partially ran down my face, making me even more emo-ugly than before. Once I caught a glimpse of myself in my mirror that I carried with me (so that I could check every now and then to see if I still looked emo or not), and cut myself some more. Then I went back inside and got my portable cd player and some shitty music to listen to. After listening to some music filled with shitty metaphors and lyrics that make no sense, I got on the internet to talk to my friends about how tight my girl pants were. Like, OMIGOD it was so funny! I told my friend that I had a pink and black belt on along with my pants and he was like “LOL! woah man thats like, emo-overboard! LOL!” and then I was like, “STFU you fag! You just don’t understand me…no one does 😥 ” then he was all “I’m sorry man…let’s go listen to Fall Out Boy and act gay in public.”

And that’s just what we did. We went to K-Mart and hung out in what we like to call the “emo department”- the little kids’ dressing rooms. It was so rad cuz I saw my emo cousin there. She was all telling me how depressed and hopeless she felt because she didn’t have a boyfriend and her skateboard broke. I could totally feel her pain. So we went in the bathroom and cut ourselves. It was so rad ‘cuz then we wrote stuff on the walls. My cousin told me she wrote lyrics to a My Chemical Romance song, and I was like OMIGOD that is so emo! After we got done at K-Mart, we parted ways and went home.

As soon as I walked in the door my mom was all, “What do you think you’re doing? You’re being way too emo today, mister. I think you need to go to your room.” Then I was like, “Mom, you just don’t know me! Why do you have to judge who I am? You were never around when I needed you to stitch together my broken, empty heart.” Then she gave me some shit about how I’m only a teenager in high school and losing my pair of Etnies shoes isn’t worth crying over. What a dumbass. Everyone knows that true love begins in high school. It’s not like I’ll have the rest of my life to meet new people to begin relationships with. *scoff* Man, people just don’t understand us emo kids.

Later that evening I got hungry so I made myself an emo salad. So I called my best friend up and I was like,” Hey dude, this salad is so RAD! You should totally come try some.” Then he was all like “Oh totally man, I can totally relate to it’s rad-ness. I’ll skateboard right on over and try some of that emo salad right now.” And that’s what he did. And it was even better when he put some special, as he called it, “emo sauce dressing” on it. It tasted just like semen!

After he tossed and tasted my emo salad, he went home for the night and I got ready for bed.
I was tired as hell and my friends acted not very rad on MySpace and left me not-so-emo messages on my LiveJournal. But whatever…I just went to my bedroom and took some pills and cut myself. Then I took depressed-looking pictures of myself with my digital camera so that everyone on the internet could see them and see how hard my life is. Anyone with readily-available internet access and a digital camera obviously has a depression-laden life. Once I saw how depressed I was, I did what all emo kids do: slit my wrists and killed myself. Life was much happier without me.

Fuck emo.

h1

Every girl’s dream…

December 12, 2005

Recently I had the misfortune of stumbling across another ass-faced list of female propaganda in the form of a bulletin on MySpace titled “Every girl’s dream…”
I guess it’s another shitty list of unrealistic things that bitches want out of their owners, ahem, significant others that is.

Nonetheless, here it is along with my replies.

1. Getting kissed in the pouring rain
How about you kiss my ass in the pouring rain? That sounds way more romantic..

2. Have that one hott kiss where your pressed against the wall
Why? What’s so damn “hott” about kissing you while you’re up against a wall? The only way you’re getting anything against a wall is if I have you tied up to it.

3. Have a guy that thinks you’re the world
What kind of dumbass thinks that his girlfriend is the world? His world must SUCK if that’s the case. Screw laughter, suicide is the best medicine in this case.

4. Have a guy that holds on as long as possible when giving hugs
Not only do we have to hug your shallow ass but now we have to hold on forever? Psh…whatever bitch.

5. A guy that whispers he loves you in your ear
“Hey how you doin’ little mama let me whisper in your ear. Tell you somethin’ that you might like to hear. You got a sexy-ass body and your ass looks soft, mind if I touch it and see if it’s soft?” Uhh….nevermind. [Wait (The Whisper Song)]

6. Have that moment where you just gaze into eachother’s eyes
Yep I’m just going to piss away a few more precious seconds of my life just so that you think I’m gazing at your beauty. Bitches are so vain…

7. When you cry, he kisses your tears away.
The only way a kiss is going to get rid of tears is if the guy kisses the tear itself, hence drinking it off of your face, you sicko.

8. When you’re not with your guy he’s all that you can think about
What the hell?

9. Wearing his jacket and everytime you breath in, his scent surrounds you
Get out of my coat you whore. That smell isn’t mine by the way….it’s the dog’s ass. And learn how to spell: “B-R-E-A-T-H-E”
Dumbass.

10. A guy who will watch any movie with you, no matter how teary eyed you may get.
I refuse to watch The Notebook and if you cry during some shitty movie, I’m kicking you out of my house.

11. A guy who squeezes your hand
If you touch me without permission I’ll be squeezing your hand.

12. A guy that says he loves you and means it
So much for being honest…

13. A guy that will play her favorite song outside her window
I’m not about to sit outside just so you can hear your favorite song. Download it and leave me the hell alone.

14. A guy who is loyal
The door swings both ways on this one, bitch.

15. A guy that will sing to you no matter how bad he is at it.
Why would a girl want someone to sing to them if it isn’t pleasant to listen to? Attention whore…

16. A guy that will kiss you on the forehead.
As long as you’re not a Hindu with a dot and as long as you don’t have horrible acne or something then…wait, hell no. Piss on your forehead.

17. A guy that will call you beautiful or adorable…not hot, fine, or sexy
Once again, I thought you wanted honesty?

18. A guy that will never judge you for how you look.
What the hell!? This conflicts with every friggin aspect of number 17. Do you want compliments on your appearance or not? Make up your damn mind.

19. A guy that says cheezy stuff to you just to make u smile
No.

20. A guy that is the same when he is with you and when with friends
Haha…you really want a twisted, sick-minded pervert with you all the time? Good, then I guess you won’t mind my friends and I gawking at girls who are more attractive than you, will you?

21. A guy that tells you everything honestly
Okay, just don’t bitch about the truth.

22. A guy that is good with your family and introduces you to his family
A guy that works over the parents until he gets what he wants out of you and them? Wow, we finally agree on one of these.

23. A guy that will always let you win
…so that when you lose, you feel like an arrogant jackass because you thought you’d win due to the fact that your dumbass boyfriend lets you win all the time just because he’s a pussy and doesn’t want to hear you bitch and whine about how much you suck at everything, but you didn’t win and therefore couldn’t back up all the trash-talking you did and now your boyfriend is embarassed by your pitiful failure so he breaks up with you and goes back to the blow-up doll. Right.

24. A guy who stands up for you no matter who he is against
A guy sticking up for his ho is fine, but if it’s going to get his ass kicked or something then forget it. Most girls aren’t worth the trouble.

25. A guy who calls you at night just to say ‘hi’ and see how your day has been
…only to hear you nag and complain about how skanky your friends are and all that other gossip. Forget it.

26. A guy who tells you that your smile makes everything better
How sweet.

27. A guy who will sit on the phone with you when you’re sad, even if you’re quiet
Listen guys, this one really isn’t so bad. If she’s actually quiet for once, stay on the phone as long as you can and enjoy the silence. It won’t happen often. If the phone starts getting annoying just set it down and turn the volume up so you know when to pick it up when she starts rambling again. Wow, I rule.

28. A guy who you can hangout and have fun with
Fun is a two-way thing by the way, so don’t act stupid to amuse yourself if it pisses your guy off. He reserves the right to put you back in the trunk of the car where you came from.

29. A guy that will just randonmly call you for no reason at all, just because he missed you
“A guy that will just randomly call you just because he’s drunk at his best friends’ bachelor party and is in the middle of a lap dance….and he missed you.”

30. A guy who will hold your hand through the roughest parts of life.
Pull my hair.

31. A guy who would love you forever no matter the circumstance.
I hate school busses. They’re big and yellow just like the sun and the sun hurts my eyes when I stare at it. Grr….

32. A guy who wouldn’t mind you wanting to get all dressed up and do your make up for him. Even if he says he likes you better without make up.
We don’t have all day ladies…

33. A guy who you can be yourself with and he will never give a care and would still tell you that you are amazing to him.
Translation: A guy who will ignore you during the football game and act appreciative when you cook him delicious food.

34. A guy who runs his fingers through your hair, like he’s washing your worries/troubles away.
What the hell? That’s got to be the most shitty simile ever. “Like he’s washing your worries/troubles away.”??? Fingers don’t resemble water, or any other liquid that washes for that matter, in the least. And fingers in the hair sure as hell won’t make anything better. Just because we keep you on a leash doesn’t mean you’re a dog either. Enough of the hair.

35. A guy who tells you, you make his day better, just for being you
Until you piss him off and ruin his day so that he takes revenge by kicking you off of your bicycle as the two of you ride down a steep hill on a street together, hence leaving you to roll across the pavement until you get to the bottom, all scratched and cut up. HAHAHA!

36. a guy who leaves u pretty messages to wake up to in the morning.
For example: Make me some breakfast pretty damn quick, I’m running late for work.

“If your a Girl and you want this or think its sweet post this with the title “Every Girls Dream—boys read this”
If your a Guy and you would do this or think its sweet post this with “I’m Every Girls Dream”

Repost this in 1 minute and something amazing will happen to you” so reads the end of the bulletin. Hopefully the people on MySpace realize that these stupid “repost it and…” letters never mean anything, though I doubt they realize it because I see at least twelve of these damn things every day.

Every girl’s dream….
-Fuck your dreams bitch, get in the kitchen where you belong.

h1

The moment you’ve all been waiting for.

December 10, 2005

I can only imagine the sense of relief you’ll be getting here in the upcoming weeks. I’ve been in the process of building an actual website for about two months now and I’ve decided to scrap it and just get back to a blog. Using dial-up to create a website pisses me off so to hell with it. But anyways, check back hella-soon because I’ve got some ass-kickery on the way.

Welcome to Pure Genius II.